I went to my first spinning class with a bunch of co-workers. I would rather drive behind an ambulance with clear windows the entire way to California than go to another spinning class. I would rather have sex with creepy chris from the dorms, anal hate sex that is, than go to another spinning class. I would rather chew glass and contract leprosy in the same day than go to another spinning class. I would rather quit drinking.
I was late and got the last seat, which happened to be situated next to Lance Armstrong and eye-locking direct center in front of the instructor. Lance was all, this must be your first time, you didn’t bring a towel! Here you can use one of mine. Halfway through the class, he said something along the lines of, “What, are you an alien, how are you not sweating!”
A digression: This is the second time someone has verbatim asked me, “What are you, an alien?” The first time was in a Cubs skybox mere moments after a man was trying to get us to go back to his yacht. I had just come in blown from the balcony. The balcony of the what I later found out was a cop and teamster skybox where I kept giggling while lighting the wrong end of a one hitter with Christian. The man asked why we wouldn’t go. I mumbled back a response and he said, “What are you, an alien? Will you listen to this girl? She’s speaking alien.” I guess that’s what 11 Mai Tais will do to you.
How was I not sweating? I just don’t. That’s why I faint. With 15 minutes to go, I bolted to the door, legs like jello. Black flickering vision until I get to the locker room where I quietly and shamefully puke a gallon of water. Thinking I’m in the clear, I rush to go outside, and then plummet down two steps from the locker room door. Everyone freaks the fuck out, and I wake up looking at Tyler, who says, are you okay? Yup, fine, goodbye. Wait, wait, disclaimers, liability, and as I’m leaving, “This is why you need a personal trainer.”
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3 comments:
Seriously i was literally laughing at my desk reading this post.
First- cubs skybox night. HAHA
Second- I spin most wednesdays if you are ever interested.. but my instructor has no rhythm and just grunts a lot. it's amazing
Ha. You're a champ. I don't know how you do it every week. My legs hurt for three days. Seriously I could barely walk.
One morning I had to run out of the garage and jump over the little motion detector thing and I was moving like Forrest Gump in the scene where he has the braces on his legs and he's running from the kids on the bikes.
that was the most beautiful reference to forrest gump ever... i hope you are doing better by Kimbowl. You are going to need all your strength to run from fireworks
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